Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
