I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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