Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i came on her dog
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
