I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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