it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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