my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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