i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
