Three words: puerto rican gang bang
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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