apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
