alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
