i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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