When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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