Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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