Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
