He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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