Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
