I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
