Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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