nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
