Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
