I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he just fucked me for my cheese.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
