fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
