and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
