Don't make out with my wife yet
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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