I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
