The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
