Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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