you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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