So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
