You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
