hotel room ftw
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
