I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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