I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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