This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
