thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
