I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Church boner. Awkwardddd
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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