So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
