last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
