What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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