Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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