I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
