I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
