I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
