she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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