I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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