OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
