so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
