Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
