Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
