I think I died a long time ago.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
